New Beginnings, Life Unfolds

I can hardly believe my last post was Christmas Eve and now it is almost the Spring Equinox!  It's a beautiful time for the seeds we planted in late Fall and early Winter to begin their emergence. 

An enormous part of my fertility journey has been sinking into the natural rhythms of life.  The seasons, daylight hours, daily, monthly and yearly cycles.  Feeling into these rhythms requires a slowing down, getting quiet.  

I have found many allies on this journey, some in person and some in books.  Dr. Randine Lewis is a fertility specialist whose focus is definitely more Eastern Medicine and energy healing.  She is one of the practioners my fertility specialist acupuncturist (amazing, down-to-earth, supportive, no b.s., in my corner and even has my husband liking acupuncture!) studied with during her training.  

After being steered away from "The Infertility Cure" (too much detailed info for my I-want-an-answer-and-then-to-fix-it mind), I picked up a copy of  "The Way of the Fertile Soul."   I have found that most of the solutions that work for me in all of my life (fertility, romance, finance, self-esteem, body image) are spiritual solutions.  This book is chock full of them.

Dr. Lewis' book is a beautiful map to cultivating fertility and creativity - creation of life that may manifest in surprising ways.  Along with about a dozen other experiences that I've been wanting to write about and which I will have to save for another time (another month, another year) her book brought to the surface a longing I didn't even know I had. 

My healing practice is ever inspiring me to learn more, to bring more to my clients and to dive more deeply into my own emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health.  The deep desire to conceive a child continually challenges me to walk my talk in all aspects of my well being.  I realized I wanted to go deeper into all of what I hold dear, healing, self-care, integrative medicine, lifestyle impact on health, the science behind my intuition. 

All of this to say, I have been accepted to a Master's Degree program in Acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine and will begin my studies this May!

When I align myself with my heart's longings and am willing to express my creative potential, I am amazed at what unfolds.  It's not entirely out of the blue that acupuncture would appeal to me.  I have seen some incredible practitioner's over the last 15 years of my life.  One helped me to restore the entire foundation of my health.  One walked me gently into the beginning of my fertility journey and one has become my current trusted ally and (hopefully) future colleague.  

Each one of them has trusted in my body's ability to balance and heal itself.  Each one has supported my wholeness.  Each one has reflected my intuition and provided a space of great nurturing and care as they help me to navigate the sometimes overwhelming and chaotic world of Western Medicine.  These medicine women (along with my yoga teachers, and spiritual counselors, space holders, healers, dance teachers, and bodyworkers) have helped me to strengthen my personal foundation.  

As my container grows, I have more to offer my family, my friends and my clients.  The more connected I am to myself, the more I have to offer the world.  

I have no idea what the next few years will look like.  I will continue to maintain my healing practice, although the hours will certainly change. (Feel free to email me with any questions or for appointments).  If the last few months are any indication, I'm guessing the blog posts will be few and far between. There are so many experiences and resources I was looking forward to sharing.  I imagine they will come out in time. Although, who knows?!

That's just it with life.  Who knows?!  We show up.  We align ourselves with the moment as much as possible, and just when you think you know exactly where you are headed, something new arises.  For the next few years it looks as if many of my moments will be in the classroom.  I am looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds.  

Much Love, 

Amy

Mary, Christmas Eve

Silent Night, Holy Night. So many celebrations of light happen this time of year.  For me, Christmas Eve is the celebration of the story of Mary, the Virgin Mother.  A celebration of the Goddess.  Of creation.  Of the co-mingling of human and divine that we all balance each and every day. 

Many years ago Mary began visiting me during my meditations.  She has continued to bless me with her presence both personally and in my healing practice.  At first I was hesitant to acknowledge her. Yet, something was happening through me and in my clients as she worked with me.  

When I say she, I am referring to this energy that continues to come to me as Mary.  You may think of it as archetypal or inspirational (both would be true) or even some aspect of myself being activated.  These are all ways I tried to explain it, justify it, rationalize it to myself until I realized I didn't have to "understand" it as long as I continued to stay open to the experience of the energy.  

The energy of Mary is the good mother and pure compassion.  She is quietly fierce and deeply loyal. She is who I pray to when I don't feel a connection to God, and often who I think of when I am thinking of God, for she is the remnant of the Goddess that Christianity was willing to work into their mythology. 

My work is deeply spiritual and also must be grounded in a tangible reality.  Mary is an anchor.  She holds me as I travel to the depths with my clients, and I trust she holds them too.  

Wherever you are and whatever you celebrate, may you feel the silence, the stillness, the holy within.  If you are lost, reach out for someone to walk with you, human or divine.  The Goddess is with all her children in many forms.  Let yourself feel her energy and Celebrate the Light, the Life. 

Merry Christmas and to all a Good Night. 

The Roller Coaster and The Key

Up and Down.  Out of control.  Delightful.  Terrifying.  The last month or so has definitely been a roller coaster.  Truth is, life often seems that way.  It's my response to the ride that makes the difference. 

One of my spiritual advisors passed a tool along to me that has been incredible. It's called The Golden Key and it comes from the writings of Emmet Fox.  I share it here with the caveat that the wording is very Christian (ironic as it came to me through a Buddhist.)  While it doesn't bother me, some people find the language exclusionary or off putting.  If peace of mind interests you, I suggest reading it in spite of the language and finding your own. 

This particular spiritual principle isn't new to me: What you focus on gets larger, focus on the problem or on the solution?  What has been new is my willingness to do it ALL THE TIME.  

My brain wants to think about the situation at hand, which it often views as a problem that needs to be solved, and for the most part these days is something having to do with getting pregnant.  

At this point, it also includes analyzing information from various doctors and health care practitioners: my acupuncturist, my reproductive endocrinologist, my general practitioner, my OBGYN, and my "regular" endocrinologist.  

The information collected ranges from normal to concerning depending on the day.  I've had various procedures (including a minor and successful surgery), lots of blood drawn, and cool ways of looking into many different parts of my body. 

I like information and facts.  I feel entitled to research them further (and sometimes that's valid, though not generally by myself on the internet at odd hours).  However, when I am  entangled in the lab values of traditional medicine I find myself viewing my body as a problem, sometimes even as the enemy, something that is betraying me or that I have to work against. I begin to see my Doctors as a problem, medicine as a problem, pretty much everything becomes a problem. 

This thought process doesn't serve me or my healing (or my husband, or my clients).  In fact, it's totally antithetical to my experience of trusting my body as an integrated part of my being-ness.  

And so I am reminded, over and over again, to use this Key.  And in choosing to use this process I have been reconnected to my god(dess).  I have continually named the aspects, the qualities, the gifts of the divine in my life.  I feel, see, hear and taste the divine if I willing to keep my focus there.  Not out of body, not out of reality, but of the divine and of life.  Integrated, whole, messy, gorgeous, powerful.  

As my focus shifts, my reaction to the roller-coaster does too.  There is more laughter, more adventure, less danger.  And I have been offered this same tool in other forms, some body practices that are delicious and tricky to articulate, as well as some specific meditations.  

The Golden Key may not work for you at all.  But it just might inspire you to find your own way of taking the power out of the constant thought of the problem, of the exhausting ride of "figuring and fixing", of trying to get ahead of life. 

And, as you head into this Thanksgiving Holiday, it can't hurt to have one more tool to keep you on an even keel. 

I'd love to hear your experience with this, or with other tools that help you to stay aligned with Truth that is beyond lab values, or time limits, or busy freeways, or airport security lines.  That place where, no matter what, everything is ok.  Where you are held and supported in this moment and all is well.  And all is well.  And all is well. 

Much Love, 

Amy

  

  

The Blame Game

A few posts ago I mentioned my husband and I are "back in the game" in terms of conceiving.  Oh, that I wish I could always see it as a game, fun, free, pleasurable.  When my calculating head takes over it is a feat to stay present in my body.

And truthfully, there's need for a little calculation in the conception process, right?! Here's the issue; as soon as I come to something, anything really, with an agenda, a desired outcome, the stakes raise.

I start to believe things have to be a specific way and if I control them enough, I will more likely get what I want.  This may be true in some arenas of life.  In my experience (and I've put it to the test over and over again), there's very little room for the creation of anything in the vice of control.

My higher self has a deep longing to create a union with my husband.  A union where we become far more than the sum of our individual selves; in this alchemy our 1+1 will become 3.  This is the stuff of magic, miracles, divine inspiration.

When I believe I should or even can control this magic, the process begins to fall apart.

What I noticed this month, and what I can clearly hear in the experience of others (often far more quickly than I catch it for myself), was the desire to place blame on someone or something.

If I can make the powerlessness of life someone else's fault I can stay in the distraction of the anger rather than simply being present to life as it happens.

Here's the thing, in this process of conception, the only person around to blame is my husband.  Of course, if I let it stew long enough I can carry it out far beyond my husband to circumstances, time, other people, but he takes the brunt of the blame game.  In this game, there is no winning.

It's such a young place, this part of me that wants to blame someone for what is just life. It's a place where the focus is all on what's mine.  There is no union in blame.

I invite you to notice the blame game in your own life.  Whether it's around the powerlessness of your fertility journey, or simply in navigating the everyday challenges of life, traffic, customer service calls, news and political events.  Notice your desire to pin blame on someone or something.

Take just a moment to breathe into that blame and see what else arises.  Is there a place to surrender, an opportunity to let go, a way to be with the unknown?

Notice what happens when blame is no longer an option, when you choose to move out of separation.  For me, this is where the magic happens, not because I'm controlling it but because I choose to be present, in union, with the moment as it unfolds.

A lot can happen in a moment!  Let me know what happens in your.

Much Love,

Amy






















Taste, Smell, Touch

Sensation

Rythm

Fertile Ground with Ellen Heed

If you read my last post (Womb Wisdom and the Sacred Vagina), you know that one of my sessions with health educator and bodyworker Ellen Heed has played a significant role in my fertility journey.

Ellen has an ENORMOUS amount of health and healing information.  Here she shares some of her experience relating to fertility, pregnancy, and birth.  Her wisdom affirms the deep need for self-care of body, mind and soul.

Amy Loubalu:  What is unique about the work you do for a woman who is journeying through the process of wanting to have a child? Or even during or post pregnancy?

Ellen Heed: I serve to educate women about the realities of childbirth to the degree that I can, given that I have not give birth myself. 

I have worked with many women before birth, a few women during birth, and many, many women after birth. My main message is that most outcomes from a birth scenario can be remediated. 

Many women have no idea about how many changes they will go through when they give birth: 

1) At the physical, structural level in their pelvis and pelvic floor

2) How deeply their changing hormonal balance will affect their moods and relationships

3) What may arise in their psyche as a result of giving birth.

My goal is to help women reconnect to their bodies after birth, and help them reconnect to all of themselves, including their sexuality and their emotional body. 

Often, motherhood can leave a woman in a situation where there are so many new demands on her time and attention, she forgets to put herself and her needs into her own caregiving equasion at all!

Not addressing these issues will have consequences for her health, the health of her child, and the health of her primary relationship with her partner. In the current birth culture that exists in the US, these consequences are not well articulated or addressed in the care most women receive during all the excitement and exhaustion experienced after a new baby arrives.

Amy: What are Three things you wish every women knew about her body?

Ellen: That bodies can heal, no matter what the injury has been. That the pelvic floor is VERY expansible! That there is no "right" way to give birth. 

Amy: If you could teach men just One thing about a women's body, what would it be?

Ellen: That women process information through their ears more deeply than through their eyes, and we need to feel heard and "feel felt" in order to relax and move through challenging and/or new experiences.

Amy: Is there anything specific when working around fertility/pregnancy/birth that you have found enhances a woman's experience of these things?

Ellen: An open mind, and a healthy appetite for good information and sound critical thinking. Having an agenda for what one expects or desires as a birth outcome can result in disappointment if that agenda is not met. The ability to RELAX and know how to deliberately down-regulate one's own nervous system is the best tool I know to navigate fertility/pregnancy, and childbirth.

Amy: Are there specifics things, in your experience, that hinder these processes, or get in the way?

Ellen: The first thing is a lack of good information. Women are woefully unprepared and under-educated for the challenges they may encounter when taking this journey. 

Here are a few basic considerations that you probably won't hear from a more traditional practitioner:  

1) Lack of nutritional preparation - as a culture we are fat-phobic. Adequate amounts of healthy fats are important for hormone production, and fertility is certainly linked to that. 

2) A fully functional liver and gall bladder will also contribute to a healthy hormonal balance. Women who have taken the birth control pill are likely to have blockage in their liver/gall bladder, and never realize it. This affects hormonal balance and contributes to painful periods, endometriosis, and PCOS, which all affect fertility.   

3) Scar tissue from old injuries and surgeries can interfere with conception, childbirth, and the postpartum health of the mother, as well as her sexual life after childbirth.

Amy: I have found the most important thing for me is to stay connected to my body, my energy, my life experience, no matter what happens. Can you share a simple tool/practice someone could use at home that helps with establishing or remembering this connection to the body?

Ellen: One of the best tools I have found is a web-based tool called "Orgasmic Yoga".

The practices outlined in the Orgasmic Yoga program help women stay connected to themselves and help them find where there may have hidden pockets of shame or disassociation that can keep them "numb and dumb" in their body. 

We may need to re-learn basic embodiment skills in order to find our way to the fulfillment that we seek in the process of conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and family building. 

Our basic orientation toward embodiment is in danger of getting lost in our ever-increasing fascination with technology. 

Using a web-based approach to learning about our bodies may seem counter-intuitive, but I think it is where quite a lot of our attention is focused already, so it is a "coyote-way" to employ the computer to regain a meaningful, deliberate relationship with our own bodies.   

Ellen Heed has been educating students and clients about how to attain radiant health worldwide since the turn of the  millennia. Using keen perceptual skills to accurately assess the needs of her clients, Ellen connects the dots and facilitates successful outcomes for health issues ranging from chronic pain and sexual dysfunction to emotional stagnation and nutritional imbalances.

Ellen has pioneered new techniques for scar tissue remediation for women, and is a leading anatomy educator who trains yoga teachers, Sexological Bodyworkers, and other somatic professionals in the US and abroad. She is currently pursuing her PhD in Somatic Psychology and maintains a thriving practice as a holistic health consultant in Los Angeles, California. 

Ellen holds certifications in Shiatsu, Visionary Craniosacral Work, Sexological Bodywork, as well as being a certified GAPS practitioner.  

Womb Wisdom and the Sacred Vagina

I hear a lot of women (and men) talk about sex after kids - or the lack thereof.  It is such a common experience that it's  become a joke at dinner parties, something people seem to wearily accept as a part of life.  In my office I often listen as clients share the pain, the grief, the physical discomfort of a changing and shifting sex life.  The body and the mind can have some pretty intense reactions to pregnancy, child birth, age, new babies and kiddos in the house.

All of this to say, when I heard that Ellen Heed, a holistic health educator who also does bodywork, was working with postpartum women to support sexual health and vitality I was interested.   And being a double virgo, it seemed to me that having this work done pre-partum rather than post baby would set me up for a better experience later on.  Also, I've had pretty severe pain with my period for a lot of years, and I was curious to see if some of this inner-vaginal body work might help. 

Yep, inner-vaginal body work (it's actually called sexological bodywork). I'm blushing as I write.  

It makes perfect sense.  Pregnancy, birth, as well as many other life events, biopsies, surgeries, sexual traumas, endometriosis, can create scar tissue and adhesions in the pelvic cavity.  This kind of constriction can cause pain during sex.  So many women believe painful sex is normal.  It's not.  Pain is a clear signal of something being out of harmony.  Yet, so often this stuff stays in the dark. 

Here's the thing, enjoying sex helps when you're trying to get pregnant (orgasms actually facilitate conception)!  Pain and tension are not very conducive to enjoyment and pleasure. Having experienced bodywork with Ellen before, I figured I would also learn some things about my own anatomy.  Unfortunately far too many women (and doctors) are un/misinformed when it comes to the internal workings of the female genitalia.  

Here's what I didn't expect, a spiritual experience.

This was essentially a bodywork session like any other I have had with Ellen.  She is generous with her knowledge and incredibly attuned to where the body is holding both physically and energetically.  I was nervous when she began to work inside of me, nervous enough that I kept talking, asking questions and probably babbling a bit.  

Then there was a moment that stopped my chatter.  With her hands inside of this most sacred part of my body, this place of pleasure and communion, this place where I hope to conceive and carry a child, I felt spaciousness.  My experience wasn't sexual in any way. Nor was it clinical.  As pliability returned to constricted tissue, as held energy released, I felt a vastness I have never experienced.  

In that moment, I could feel (which is much different than intellectually knowing) there IS more than enough room for a baby inside of my body.  Not only that, it felt as if there was room for the entire universe to be cradled in my womb.  I felt connected to all of humanity, to all of creation, to all women and children everywhere. 

Honestly, I was totally overwhelmed by the power of this connection to LIFE.  My finite human being-ness could only tolerate so much of the infinite before I broke the spell by talking again. I have thought of that often.  I plan to return to Ellen after having a baby.  If and when I do, I hope to allow myself more quiet. 

It's been about a year since my session with Ellen.  The pain from my endometriosis has continued to decrease.  Awareness of my internal anatomy has brought even more pleasure to my sex life.  Most profound has been this new connection to my womb and how it connects me, child or no child, simply within the structure of my feminine self, to humanity and the divine.  

When I am guided into my body wisdom I continually meet the essence of life. And in this space the feminine is awakening more and more.  In my cells I can feel the deep worship of the Goddess that is a legacy for all of humanity if we choose it. Worshipping life, cycles, earth-wisdom.  

Check back for the next post on Friday. Ellen is the first of the master healers I am honored to share with you.  She generously granted me an interview where she offers great experience and wisdom (and a fun 'do it yourself' tool too!) 

May You Enjoy the Richness of Life!

Much Love, 

Amy

Fertile Ground

I am in awe of the response to my last two posts.  There is such a hunger for healing around fertility. I am honored to receive your stories and your personal replies.  I am holding space for each of us to experience True Fertility in our own way.

I have already begun to gather material for the series of blogs to come.  My desire is to offer some new ways of being with fertility and creation.  I want to take this moment to lay the groundwork, to plant the seeds of intention in this fertile ground.

I am an energy healer, certified through the Barbara Brennan School of Healing.  What I share here is my own experience, as well as the experiences I have had working with the energy of many women over the years.  I will also be sharing the words and wisdom of some of the wonderful teachers and healers with whom I've had the pleasure to work.

Nothing in these blogs is to be taken in lieu of medical advice.  I am not a doctor or a therapist.  I am a woman.  I am a human being.  I am an energy healer.

There is a lot information in the world about how-to-get-pregnant. And certainly there are some basics that are very valuable; getting a sperm and an egg together being the most crucial as far as I can tell.

There may be some of that here - though I imagine it will be fairly off the beaten path.  My deeper desire is to share ways to access the wisdom of the body, the fertility and capacity for creation that is inherent in your feminine being whether you physically have a child or not.

I believe that our western lifestyle has created a disconnection from the body for many people and I believe this greatly impacts every facet of our lives, including fertility.

We have vast amounts of technology available to help with fertility, birth and child rearing, yet there is still wide-spread fear and discomfort over breast-feeding.  Modern science offers miraculous assistance and yet we often forget the miracles of our human bodies.  I believe there is room for both and there is great relief to be found in reconnecting to this body wisdom.

I have experienced and witnessed a lot of shame, doubt and fear around struggles with fertility.  The feelings that arise with pregnancy, lack or loss of pregnancy, and even postpartum can be confusing and unexpected. My desire is to shine a light on some of these less nurtured places, to make space for all of it.  My desire is to unite women rather than contribute to the judgement, condemnation and divisiveness that keeps the shame and confusion in the dark.

No one can have the answers to another person's journey.  I don't have "the" answers to fertility.  I have found answers to questions I never knew I was asking, and access to teachers who have guided me to these answers over and over and over again.  I am honored to share some of that wisdom here in these posts.

There is no right way to have a child, to be a mother, or a father.  There is no one way to conceive, to carry, to birth a child.  There is no one way to live a life.  Creation is unique and beautiful and terrifying and messy.  My desire is to support many ways, give many views, and encourage women (and men) to come together and empower one another in this journey to Life.

Please continue to send your comments and questions and personal stories, they enrich my experience and the writings to come.  Keep an open mind and an open heart as you read of ways that may be different than yours.  If you would like to work with me one-on-one or join one of my women's healing groups, please contact me directly.

I can feel the richness of what is here and what is to come!  May you enjoy it too.

Much Love,

Amy